sleep

I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately.

At first I thought it was because I’ve been sick for the past couple of weeks – it’s tough to sleep with a coughing fit.

Next, I diagnosed that it must be my coffee intake.  After all, introducing caffeine into your body after a long hiatus is sure to send it into shock.

Hmm… maybe it’s my late night workouts.  It probably takes some time for my adrenaline to slow down after an intense work out.

J has to literally tear me away from my computer during these restless nights, only to have me toss and turn wide awake.  Anyone who knows me would find this behavior unusual – I typically sleep fast and soundly in an instant.  When J, who is himself an insomniac on occasion, can find sleep more than I can – something is off.

I began to realize that taking Nyquil was only a quick fix.

Last night, I jumped into bed and just stared at the ceiling.

“I think you’re right.”  I said.  That got J’s attention.  He put his book down, and asked, “About what?”

“I’m overwhelmed.”  Still looking at the ceiling.  Not angry, not upset, not in a fit or crisis.  I was simply, calmly acknowledging a very obvious fact.  Obvious to everyone but myself, until that very moment.

“Well,” J started, as he turned to face me, “You’ve been working non-stop all month.  Of course, you’re overwhelmed.”

I tried to mentally list all of the possible culprits for my anxiety.  I’ve been dedicating time to Stella & Dot, my new side business and learning all of the strategies to successfully book and execute trunk shows.  In just my first month of signing up as a Stylist, I had done 4 trunk show events, including my initial launch party!  Wedding planning is just gearing up, with the continuous hunt for a wedding venue and the seemingly never-ending task of gaining my family’s approval.  There are days when I wince at the thought of devoting an entire year just to planning it, with the current stress already forming & the anticipation of more stress.  Job searching is still on the periphery of my mind, especially with lay-offs occurring in the next month or so.  With all of those things, financial security is a big factor in my worries.  And somewhere crammed in the rest of my head are the obligations and expectations to multiple roles in my life: being a good fiance, sister, friend, employee, daughter, etc. etc.

Ugh.  No wonder I’m a mess.

Just from voicing it aloud to myself and to my wonderfully supportive fiance, I decided that the bulk of these issues were not going to be resolved that evening.  If I’m going to have a busy year, I can’t burn out this early in the game.  Something needs to change.  I need to change my game plan.

At that moment, what I decided I needed more than anything else, was a chance to just rest from all of the chaos and noise in my life.

So I made a conscious effort to hit “pause” for the evening, and I finally went to sleep.

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3 Comments

Filed under Bridal blues & bliss, epiphany, relationships, simple things, Stella & Dot

3 responses to “sleep

  1. dieselbird

    I think you have the same insomnia as me… the adjustment phase insomnia. During January, I couldn’t sleep for 2 weeks following my layoff, because I was struggling to adjust myself to the wonderful freedom to do anything and everything I wanted– to strive to achieve my Happy List. But it was so hard– all the meetings, the discipline, the planning, the researching, etc… I kept thinking of all the things to do and it made me worry if I could complete all those tasks and obligations. I completed them, of course… but I still have to finish my GMAT first. 🙂

  2. Hi Pauline,

    Yay you found me! Wow you really do sound overwhelmed. It is really nice to push “pause” sometimes, in fact, it is very necessary. I wish you all the luck with you and Stella & Dot. I will definitely try Phil’s coffee very soon next time I’m on campus too 🙂

  3. pause? wish i could do that. i hope you’re finding your sleep time now. just wanted to ask, who’s wedding are you planning anyway? you sound like you’re planning someone else’s wedding with all this talk of approval. though i guess my parents would be the same. i have no desire to go through all that yet. good luck to ya Twin and try to enjoy some of it!

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