better or worse

What is the purpose of a wedding anyway?

As a girl, I envisioned the fanciness, the awe-inspiring grandeur as the movies make it out to be.  More so… when I thought of my wedding, it was really about the PEOPLE you love and the HAPPINESS that came along with it.  I saw the wedding as a ridiculously overpriced party with tons of food, smiling, laughing, dancing, a gorgeous dress, a fabulous husband, and a large crowd of supportive friends and family.  At 26 years old, engaged, and about to be married, I still want those things.  Yet, I didn’t see myself struggling so hard to get there.

Now that this “Big Day” is approaching for me, I’m left with several conflicting feelings of dread, stress, disappointment, nostalgia, and during rare moments, excitement.  It feels like a lonely place to be because I don’t seem to find my issues reflected in the glossy wedding magazines, colorful Knot website, or dream wedding shows.  When people ask me “How’s wedding planning?”, I feel like a freak for not being more giddy in my response.  Sometimes I completely fake it.  The only place of solace are through conversations with other real-life brides.  It’s like meeting another wounded soldier who survived the same battle that I’m about to face.  An instant connection is formed – one based on encouragement & empathy.

The biggest shock for me in getting engaged and beginning the wedding planning was how it drastically changed (or perhaps unveiled?) the relationships in my life.  It forced me to evaluate who were the most important people in my life.  Who to include in this whole planning process.  Who will truly be by my side for such a significant occasion in my life?  Who will truly support me in my decisions?  Who will be consistent?  For better or for worse isn’t just for your life partner; it applies just as much to your other loved ones.  It was a test of some sorts for many of my relationships – both friendships and family.

For the sake of some confidentiality, I won’t list names, but I will say with great disappointment that some of those relationships failed me.  There was a great deal of emotional conflict that arose in the first month of my engagement – family loyalty, selfishness, old history, lost friendships, etc.  In hindsight, I believe that a majority of those issues arose because other people had selfishly harbored issues of their own and decided to use the engagement as a catalyst to bring those issues to the surface.  Funny enough, life was just fine prior to when J asked the question.  So, was it REALLY about me?  Or was it about them?  Sadly enough, no one ever warns you that a wedding could potentially be destructive to your relationships… or to your mental health for that matter.

In the past few months, J & I had some major talks and decisions to make.  How much of our own happiness are we willing to sacrifice for the sake of others’ happiness?  And how much of it is ours to claim?  We’ve realized, with much disappointment and sadness, that it will not be given to us easily.  As much as these people say they care and love us, they love themselves – be it their pride, ego, or traditions – more.

Honestly, I’m pretty tired of walking on eggshells around others’ feelings, especially for an event that’s intended to be mine & J’s.  Compromising is one thing, but losing perspective is another.  I know the difference between support and selfishness, and as much as I hate to say this about people whom I love – it’s downright selfish.

If happiness is our goal, then I’m determined to make sure that’s what J & I deserve and demand.  For better or for worse.

sleep

I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately.

At first I thought it was because I’ve been sick for the past couple of weeks – it’s tough to sleep with a coughing fit.

Next, I diagnosed that it must be my coffee intake.  After all, introducing caffeine into your body after a long hiatus is sure to send it into shock.

Hmm… maybe it’s my late night workouts.  It probably takes some time for my adrenaline to slow down after an intense work out.

J has to literally tear me away from my computer during these restless nights, only to have me toss and turn wide awake.  Anyone who knows me would find this behavior unusual – I typically sleep fast and soundly in an instant.  When J, who is himself an insomniac on occasion, can find sleep more than I can – something is off.

I began to realize that taking Nyquil was only a quick fix.

Last night, I jumped into bed and just stared at the ceiling.

“I think you’re right.”  I said.  That got J’s attention.  He put his book down, and asked, “About what?”

“I’m overwhelmed.”  Still looking at the ceiling.  Not angry, not upset, not in a fit or crisis.  I was simply, calmly acknowledging a very obvious fact.  Obvious to everyone but myself, until that very moment.

“Well,” J started, as he turned to face me, “You’ve been working non-stop all month.  Of course, you’re overwhelmed.”

I tried to mentally list all of the possible culprits for my anxiety.  I’ve been dedicating time to Stella & Dot, my new side business and learning all of the strategies to successfully book and execute trunk shows.  In just my first month of signing up as a Stylist, I had done 4 trunk show events, including my initial launch party!  Wedding planning is just gearing up, with the continuous hunt for a wedding venue and the seemingly never-ending task of gaining my family’s approval.  There are days when I wince at the thought of devoting an entire year just to planning it, with the current stress already forming & the anticipation of more stress.  Job searching is still on the periphery of my mind, especially with lay-offs occurring in the next month or so.  With all of those things, financial security is a big factor in my worries.  And somewhere crammed in the rest of my head are the obligations and expectations to multiple roles in my life: being a good fiance, sister, friend, employee, daughter, etc. etc.

Ugh.  No wonder I’m a mess.

Just from voicing it aloud to myself and to my wonderfully supportive fiance, I decided that the bulk of these issues were not going to be resolved that evening.  If I’m going to have a busy year, I can’t burn out this early in the game.  Something needs to change.  I need to change my game plan.

At that moment, what I decided I needed more than anything else, was a chance to just rest from all of the chaos and noise in my life.

So I made a conscious effort to hit “pause” for the evening, and I finally went to sleep.

2010: the leap of faith year

The year of unknowns… and opportunity.

2009 was such an eventful year, I wasn’t sure how 2010 would top it.  In fact, 2010 is filled with questions and uncertainty.  I’m anxious about a number of things – two of which include my job security in this rapidly changing economy (education is undergoing massive budget cuts) and planning my upcoming wedding (I no longer have the luxury of believing that my wedding is a couple of years away; as of today, it’s officially “next year”).

While I may not have control over outside events, such as how much family drama I’ll experience during the midst of wedding planning, or whether I’ll get laid off in the next month or so, I do have control how I choose to respond.  And what actions to take.

This year is a toast to taking what is unpredictable and turning into an exhilarating adventure.  That’s what life is anyway, a day to day of unknowns and what we choose to make of it.

Two key opportunities & events arise from 2010.  The first is the monumental task of planning my wedding, a year long process to plan a one day event – entirely dedicated to a lifetime with my partner.  Whew.  Talk about pressure! As predictable as some aspects of a wedding are – such as a dress, bridal party, venue, food, cake, & other event logistics, I’m wary to believe that the process will be as simple as it sounds.  Given the dramatic events that unfolded from merely getting engaged, who can possibly predict what craziness will ensue as I dive deeper into the actual wedding?  Stay tuned, my friends.  It’s going to be a wild ride.

The next opportunity, that’s timely in this economy: starting up a small business.  J & I have been in many conversations lately about one day starting up a small business of our own.  We tried the t-shirt business once, while in grad school.  And life just happened, work, friends, moving back to the Bay Area, etc. We got too busy to sustain it.  And even with all of our readings on boosting financial education, Rich Dad, Poor Dad, and such, it was still difficult to figure out where to get started.

Long story short: Upon attending my first jewelry trunk show at a friend’s place, I was introduced to Stella & Dot boutique jewelry.  After few restless nights reading through the opportunity brochure, posing a million questions to the Stylist Sandy, conducting exhaustive research on the company, and getting the support from my lovely friends, family, and fiance – I took the leap and signed up to be the Stylist of my own company.  I’ve been keeping a journal logging my first 100 days as a Stella & Dot stylists and I hope to share my tidbits of entrepreneurial wisdom in this site.

Here’s to 2010: the year of opportunity, unknowns, the leap of faith.  A year dedicated entirely to “Business & the Bride.”

south for the winter

I’m heading to Austin, Texas this weekend with J!  After a fun trip to New York City last year around the same time,  I thought- Wouldn’t it be fun to travel to another city during the Christmas season?

Rather than trying to brave the elements in the East Coast, I’m ready for some Southern BBQ, bizarreness, and dive bar bands.  I’ll be back with an entry full of photos of my travels and foodie places.

For more Lipstick, in the meantime, check out my latest writing pieces on eHow:

How To Travel Like a Local

How to Make Small Talk more Naturally

novel turned short story

Today marks the official end of NanoWriMo – my crazy Novel Writing Challenge.

My final word count: 11,051 (which equates to roughly 21 pages).

I didn’t make the 50,000 word finish line, but I have enough material to make a nice short story.  I do feel satisfied and proud of my little victory.  Either way, I’m glad I chose to participate.  As I’m repeatedly finding, it’s the process and journey that proves more valuable than the intended destination.

Some lessons learned along the way:

-Writing seriously requires more commitment than inspiration. It’s easy to write when I’m motivated.  I can sit in a cafe for hours on a given weekend with the right dose of energy.  On the flip side, it was tough to force myself to write during the days that I came home from work physically tired and mentally drained.  Those were the days where I fell the most behind.  And the tiring days happened more frequently than the motivating days.

-It’s cathartic to write from experience, but it’s also painful. I chose to write a mother/daughter story to help me understand the tumultuous relationship with my mother.  While it gave me good material, it also was an emotional struggle.  No wonder writers are such tortured souls.  Maybe my next work should be in science fiction.

-Being a writer is lonely. No one high fives you when you write a clever line or an insightful bit of dialogue.  Thus, another reason to stay committed even when you’re not sure of yourself.  Or find support in a writing group.  I never made it out to a NanoWriMo “write-in” to bond with fellow novelists; that’s definitely top on my list for next time.

-It’s okay to write horribly, so long as you write. The largest nugget of wisdom gleaned in this entire process!  I made plenty of mistakes – created characters I didn’t know what to do with, made them say things that made no sense, and grew bored of my protagonist’s self-deprication.  Whatever.  I made the mistakes, owned it, learned from it, and moved on.

The short story of this long entry: Will I do this challenge again, as painful and messy as it was?

Most definitely.

Thanksgiving chicken

Lesson 2: Roasting a chicken requires you to truss.  And trust.

To kick off our first holiday season in our new home, J & I hosted a “Pre-Thanksgiving Day” dinner with some friends.  I wiped off the dust collecting on my Martha Stewart ‘Cooking School’ book (I could have sworn Martha had a disapproving glint in her fixed smile on the cover).

With the added pressure of cooking for about 10 people, I jumped forward to Chapter 3.1 on making a “Perfect Roast Chicken.”

Remove giblets and liver from cavity.  Gross. Rinse chicken thoroughly inside and out.  I felt like I was oddly rinsing a headless 4 lb baby.  It took major restraint not to squeal aloud in disgust.

Trader Joe's free range chicken... now trapped in the pan

Once the chicken was patted dry, I stuffed their ‘cavity’ (the large gaping hole) with rosemary sprigs, quartered lemons, and chunks of garlic.  Simple enough.  With some assistance from a friend (my impromptu sous chef), I slathered on melted butter and olive oil on the chicken.  Think poultry day spa rub.  Salt and pepper with abundance.  I even tried to be fancy and stuff some extra rosemary herbs under the skin.

Upon consulting with Martha, she then said it was time to ‘truss the chicken.’  What the hell did that mean?

Trussed Chickens

After many unsuccessful attempts to ‘truss’ (tie up) the chicken legs, I finally got the string to hold.  It didn’t help that my string wasn’t long enough.  I then rested the chicken rack atop a bed of a potato medley, chopped onions, and carrots.  Pop them in the 450 degree oven and about an hour later…

Thanksgiving Roasted Chicken

One of my finest culinary achievements thus far!  Thank you to Martha and the holiday season for inspiring me to return to the kitchen.  Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

breaking the perfectionist

Perfectionism is a cruel trait to have inherited.

It’s a debilitating disease that cleverly disguises itself as being meticulous, competent, and confident.  The desire to always be right and flawless comes from the root of fear.  The fear of failure.

The attempt to write this novel has proven to be an eye opening experience on how perfectionism has ruled my life, for better and for worse.  As a writer and English major, I’ve learned over the years that there a few crucial stages in the writing process: the brainstorming, outlining, writing, editing, and the revising stage.  My writing process may be a bit different from others. I’m the sort of writer who tends to edit as she writes – even at this very moment.  In writing, the idea is for words to convey a message and to be succinct.  This is more so in poetry, with the drastically shortened length, than in any other written form.

That doesn’t sound so bad, at first glance.  Editing your writing is a good process.  What you end up with is a good solid piece of text, with all of the excessive words, articles, and sentences cleanly omitted and deleted.  Trimming the fat.

But what happens when internal editing is all you do?  When focusing on finding the “right words to say” prevent you from using other words or ideas?  Creativity is stifled.  When creativity is halted, for fear of failure or being wrong or not being good enough, what happens?  Nothing happens.  Nothing gets written.  Nothing never gets the chance to even become a something.

Over the past years, I’ve had many fleeting ideas of stories, poems, and articles.  Those ideas eventually collect dust or lie around incomplete because I either grew dissatisfied with the beginning, decided I didn’t have enough skill, or became discouraged with not “having the right words.”  I definitely had a problem, but it wasn’t the problem that I initially thought. My problem wasn’t that I couldn’t write well, or that I wasn’t competent (though I certainly entertained those reasons at that time).  My problem was that I was afraid to fail.  So much so that I gave up even before I gave myself a chance.  I naively believed that if I prevented failure, I was still in the safety zone.  I could still feel good about myself because I haven’t failed yet.

The real failure is not even trying.

With this novel writing challenge, mistakes are encouraged.  Expected, even!  And that’s okay, so long as you WRITE.  It was such a radical way of approaching writing for me, that I was hooked on the idea.  The emphasis is on the act of writing, not on the quality of writing.  And here’s the key behind the success of NaNoWriMo – If the pressure of writing a great literary piece of work was lifted, quantified instead of qualified, would it encourage people to write?  If mistakes are a key and expected part of the writing process, what wonderful things will this freedom allow you to write about?

Taken from Nanowrimo’s FAQ page:

Q: If I’m just writing 50,000 words of crap, why bother?  Why not just write a real novel later, when I have more time?

A: 1) If you don’t do it now, you probably never will. Novel writing is mostly a “one day” event. As in “One day, I’d like to write a novel.” Here’s the truth: 99% of us, if left to our own devices, would never make the time to write a novel. It’s just so far outside our normal lives that it constantly slips down to the bottom of our to-do lists. The structure of NaNoWriMo forces you to put away all those self-defeating worries and START.

2) Aiming low is the best way to succeed. With entry-level novel writing, shooting for the moon is the surest way to get nowhere. With high expectations, everything you write will sound cheesy and awkward. Once you start evaluating your story in terms of word count, you take that pressure off yourself. [...] There will be much execrable prose, yes. But amidst the crap, there will be beauty. A lot of it.

**

It’s week 2 in this writing challenge and I am at 3,603 words. I’m still behind, but that’s okay.  I’ve written far more words than I would have in this month otherwise.  Much of it is quite awful.  But that’s still okay.  Learning to break my perfectionist habits is going to be a much longer process than the span of this month. And even when I complete this writing challenge, mistakes and all, it will still take a lot of “unlearning” to translate the acceptance of failure from the novel into other aspects of my life.  But through this writing process, it’s definitely a start.  And starting, as I’ve come to realize, is a much better approach to life than stopping.

week 2 of writing

2572 words.

47,428 more to go.

This is a lot harder than I thought.

black cloud

I’m in a foul mood today.  No thanks to the stress from my & J’s family situation with the engagement ordeal.  A lengthy phone call with my mom earlier this afternoon (possibly mixed with a heavy dose of caffeine this morning) only fueled my grudge against the world.

Today’s entry is devoted entirely to things that piss me off.

- adults who act childish, knowingly or unknowingly.

- people who cough/sneeze without covering their mouths.  It’s flu season, cover it!

- men who disgustingly stare.  Anyone ever tell them it’s NOT attractive?

- when a person chooses a bathroom stall RIGHT next to mine, when there are countless of others to choose from.  Hello, personal space?

- indecisiveness and fickleness.  ESPECIALLY when it’s at the expense of my time and energy.  No, I will NOT humor you or be a “good sport.”

- solicitors at my door.  NO, I do NOT want the Mercury News.  *slam.

- people who ask “how are you?” but don’t really care to listen.  Don’t ask and I won’t waste my breath!  Thanks.

- being tricked into feeling guilty for something that’s not my fault.  Parents are really good at this.

- doing something for the sake of doing it, or “tradition” or “that’s just the way it is” without real knowledge or explanation of purpose.  That drives me CRAZY.

-caring/worrying over things that I don’t have control over nor should spend time on.. but I still do anyway.

 

Bah humbug.

 

french press & novel writing

This Sunday morning was filled with determination.  I woke up and decided on two things – 1) to break in my new Chambord French Press coffee maker and 2) to write a novel.

The latest addition to my kitchen, thanks to the World Market.  The box states that it is “probably the best way to brew coffee.”

Coarse ground coffee from Trader Joe’s.  It was fun learning how to use the grinder machine at the store.  Another FF (fabulous frugal) tip: spend $5 on a can instead of $3 for a cup!

Pour hot water in and let steep with the coffee grinds for 4 minutes.  Press, pour, and inhale deeply.

Enjoy in a colorful mug.  A writer’s warm and tasty companion.

2) The Novel

Coffee mug in hand, laptop switched on, and a good hour of stalling, I finally work up the nerve to sign up for a NanoWrimo account.  With November 1st as the starting point of National Novel Writing Month, participants from all over the world are challenged to write 50,000 words (175 pages) in 30 days.  30 days of high pressure, crappy, and spontaneous writing.  Why am I willingly putting myself through such a painful literary experience?

- I think of stories ideas that never quite make it to paper or print.

- Knowing how I tend to start things and leave it hanging.  I will be forced to start and finish.

- The focus is on quantity, not quality of writing.

- It’ll be another wonderful to-do crossed off my list

- It sounds so ridiculous and crazy, that… why shouldn’t I?

The count so far: 743 words.  30 days left to go.